Finding Balance in Achievement: How to Say No to Yourself

We've all been there: working 60-hour weeks, building houses, maintaining relationships, and somehow still feeling like we're not doing enough. The pressure to constantly achieve can be overwhelming, especially when it's coming from within. You're not alone in feeling exhausted by your own expectations.

This question was answered by Katie Feder, a psychotherapist specialising in mental health support for the creative industry, Wez Hawes, a creative professional with extensive experience in workplace wellbeing, and Andy Wright – Host, CEO of Streamtime and founder of Never Not Creative, who brings years of leadership experience in addressing industry mental health challenges.

The Root of Relentless Doing

Katie explains that this constant need to accomplish often stems from deep-seated conditioning: "There's a program running there and that program sounds something like I have to do to be of value." This belief system typically develops early in life, often within family dynamics where love and recognition came through achievement rather than simply being.

"We're all wired to be loved. So how did I get love and recognition? Oh, when I did something, when I achieved something, when I accomplished something," Katie notes. This creates a cycle where our sense of self-worth becomes entirely dependent on external achievements and productivity.

The Fire That Burns Both Ways

Katie uses a powerful metaphor to describe this drive: "Imagine you've got this fire in your belly and it's this beautiful kind of nurturing fire and you can cook from it and you can create from it... it can be really positive. When it's not in balance and it rages out of control, it will burn the house down."

The key insight here is that the drive to achieve isn't inherently bad. It's what enables you to build houses, maintain relationships, and excel at work. The problem arises when this fire becomes uncontrolled and starts consuming your wellbeing.

Creating Balance Through Opposing Beliefs

The solution isn't to eliminate your drive entirely, but to create balance. Katie suggests installing a new program alongside the existing one: "I am enough as I am." This opposing belief acts as a counterweight to the relentless need to prove your worth through doing.

"If I genuinely believe I am enough as I am, I am enough. Whether I have ADHD or I don't have ADHD, I am enough. Whether I have the conversation about being called girls or I don't have the conversation, I'm enough," Katie explains. This shift allows you to engage in activities from a place of choice rather than compulsion.

Rest as a Performance Strategy

Wez offers a practical reframe that resonates with achievement-oriented minds: treating rest as essential for performance. He references LeBron James, noting that "the number one thing he puts down to his success is sleep. He's religious about his sleep and rest and doing nothing."

"What do I need to do in order to do all these amazing things you're doing? Do nothing. That's the best thing you can do," Wez emphasises. This perspective helps reframe rest not as laziness or time-wasting, but as a crucial component of high performance.

The Pressure We Put on Ourselves

Andy highlights research showing that "the number one stressor for people is the pressure of their own expectations." This is particularly relevant in creative industries where we're often told to "work hard and stay hard," but the reality is that much of this pressure is self-imposed.

The good news? "You do have the opportunity to just kind of say no to yourself now and again," Andy points out. Recognising that you're the one creating much of this pressure is the first step towards changing the pattern.

Rest and Repair: Where Real Growth Happens

Katie shares wisdom from athletic training: "The only reason you train is to elicit the rest and repair response. Because in the rest and repair, the muscles are strengthened and rebuilt." This principle applies beyond physical training to all aspects of life and work.

The same way athletes focus on recovery to build strength, creative professionals need to prioritise rest and self-care to maintain their creative and productive capacity long-term.

You don't have to choose between being successful and being well. The drive that's gotten you this far isn't something to eliminate, but rather something to balance with genuine self-care and the understanding that your worth isn't contingent on constant productivity. Learning to say no to yourself isn't about becoming lazy; it's about creating sustainable success that doesn't come at the cost of your wellbeing. Remember, even the highest performers know that rest isn't the opposite of achievement – it's what makes achievement possible.