When someone you care about has the skills for a new role or life change but anxiety holds them back, knowing how to help can feel tricky. Psychologist and TARA Clinic founder Tara Hurster shares therapeutic insights on understanding comfort zones, why stepping out feels scary, and practical approaches for gradual progress. Using her brilliant "hot bath" analogy, Tara explains how to support someone in building tolerance for discomfort while recognising when self-sabotage kicks in. This warm, practical guide helps you motivate someone with moderate anxiety to pursue opportunities they're well-equipped to handle, without pushing too hard or making things worse.
We've all been there: watching someone we care about hold themselves back from opportunities they're perfectly capable of seizing. Whether it's a friend hesitating over a job application or a colleague avoiding that house purchase they've been dreaming about, anxiety can be a powerful handbrake on life's possibilities.
The tricky thing about supporting someone with anxiety is knowing how to help without pushing too hard or making things worse. It's a delicate balance between encouragement and understanding, and it requires patience from everyone involved.
This question was answered by Tara Hurster, psychologist and founder of The TARA Clinic. Tara specialises in addiction treatment and understands the complex relationship between anxiety, avoidance behaviours, and stepping into a fuller life. She brings practical therapeutic insights to help both supporters and those experiencing anxiety navigate these challenging moments.
The first step in helping someone with anxiety is understanding what's really happening when they avoid new opportunities. As Tara explains, "Our comfort zone might not necessarily feel super comfortable, but what our comfort zone is, is it's predictable. We are very well versed in it, very well practised in it, and we know what to expect from it."
This means that even if someone's current situation involves stress, anxiety, or feeling stuck, it feels safer than the unknown. The brain treats unfamiliar territory as potentially dangerous, even when logic suggests otherwise.
When someone with anxiety considers a new role or major purchase, their brain isn't just processing the practical aspects. Tara notes that "when we've stepped outside of our comfort zone into our full, rich and meaningful life, by definition it will feel uncomfortable for a chunk of time because it's new, we're not well practised at it."
The crucial insight here is that "not all discomfort equals death, and that's the part that our brain is thinking." Understanding this can help both you and the person you're supporting recognise that uncomfortable feelings don't necessarily signal real danger.
Tara offers a brilliant analogy for how to approach stepping outside comfort zones gradually. She describes getting into a hot bath: "You put your foot in thinking that it's going to be wonderful and then all of a sudden your foot starts burning and you go 'ah' and you sort of pick it out, right? You wait for a minute and then you put that foot back in."
This pulsing approach, moving "in and out, in and out," allows gradual adjustment rather than overwhelming shock. The same principle applies to helping someone with anxiety tackle bigger challenges.
Instead of encouraging someone to dive straight into their biggest fear, help them break it down into smaller steps. If they're nervous about a new role, perhaps they could start by updating their CV or having informal conversations about the industry. For someone anxious about buying a house, maybe begin with browsing properties online or visiting open homes without pressure.
The key is creating opportunities to "practice in your bedroom with your partner or with your family and start to kind of incrementally increase it that way," as Tara suggests for public speaking anxiety.
Be prepared for the fact that progress might not be linear. Tara explains that when people step outside their comfort zone and things start going well, "our brain goes 'holy crap, I might be in a tiger's den and I don't know what's going on,' so I'm going to self-sabotage in order to bring myself back into my comfort zone because I know I don't die there."
If you notice someone pulling back just as things improve, this isn't failure. It's a normal part of the process that requires patience and gentle encouragement to try again.
If someone you care about is struggling with anxiety around major life decisions, they might benefit from the peer support offered through Never Not Creative's Circles. These confidential, non-competitive groups connect creatives experiencing mental health challenges, including anxiety, with others who truly understand.
Circles provide a safe space to share experiences about stepping outside comfort zones, whether that's applying for new roles or making big life changes. The monthly sessions cover practical mental health topics and offer ongoing support from people who get the unique pressures of creative work. Learn more about NNC Circles and how to join.
As someone supporting a friend or colleague with anxiety, you might also find Circles helpful for your own wellbeing and to gain insights from others in similar situations.
While gentle support and gradual exposure can be incredibly helpful, sometimes anxiety requires professional intervention. If someone's anxiety is significantly impacting their daily life, preventing them from pursuing any opportunities, or causing distress that feels unmanageable, it may be time to suggest speaking with a mental health professional.
Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If the person you're supporting is struggling to cope, or if you're feeling overwhelmed by trying to help, professional support is available. Find mental health resources and crisis support here.
Helping someone with moderate anxiety step outside their comfort zone isn't about pushing them into the deep end. It's about being a steady, patient presence while they learn to tolerate the discomfort of growth. Remember that progress takes time, setbacks are normal, and your consistent support makes more difference than you might realise.
The goal isn't to eliminate anxiety entirely, but to help someone develop the confidence that they can feel uncomfortable and still move forward with their life. With patience, understanding, and the right support, those hesitations around new roles and life changes can gradually transform into manageable steps toward a richer, more fulfilling life.
Founder of Never Not Creative, CEO of Streamtime & co-chair of Mentally Healthy, driven to make the creative industry fairer & more human. Believes great work should never cost wellbeing.
Psychologist & founder of The TARA Clinic, helping high-achievers overcome addiction without shame. Focused on practical, flexible solutions like on-demand courses to support lasting change.
