Ever find yourself stuck in a spiral of self-criticism? You're definitely not alone. In this insightful discussion, Sharon Draper, a Psychologist with 13 years of experience in helping people develop healthier relationships with themselves, breaks down why we're so hard on ourselves and shares practical strategies to break free from these destructive patterns. From understanding the roots of shame-based thinking to creating your own compassionate inner voice, Sharon offers evidence-based techniques that can help you resist being hard on yourself and develop genuine self-compassion. Perfect for anyone tired of their inner critic running the show.
We've all been there – that moment when our inner critic takes over and we find ourselves spiraling into self-blame and harsh judgment. Whether it's a project that didn't go as planned, a mistake we made, or simply not living up to our own impossibly high standards, being hard on ourselves seems to come naturally to many of us, especially in the creative industry.
The good news? You're not alone in this struggle, and there are practical ways to break free from this destructive pattern. Understanding why we're so hard on ourselves is the first step toward developing a kinder, more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
This question was answered by Sharon Draper, a Psychologist with 13 years of experience helping people authentically connect and feel safe and heard. Sharon brings a holistic approach informed by Existentialism, Neuroscience, Polyvagal Theory and Attachment Science, making her uniquely qualified to address the psychological patterns behind self-criticism. She currently works on empowering people to live more authentically through her online program "Taking Up Space" and contributes to major media outlets as a mental health expert.
Sharon explains that when we're hard on ourselves, it usually stems from a deeper place: "When we're hard on ourselves usually it comes from a place of shame and shame usually develops from parental and societal conditioning." This conditioning often creates what she calls a "good child complex" – those perfectionist, rigid rules we try to follow in order to feel loved.
"All we want is love and that's really what drives us even though it might not look like that on the surface," Sharon notes. The problem is that these rules are often unrealistic, and when we inevitably struggle to live by them, we develop guilt and shame.
Rather than staying stuck in self-critical patterns, Sharon encourages a shift in approach: "Instead of focusing like with you know you have tunnel vision and focusing just on that one thing you did or didn't do I'd encourage you to try and just expand your view so that you can have more of a balanced view of what was what took place."
This broader perspective allows us to see that "you did the best in that situation with the knowledge or energy you had at that time." It's about developing understanding and compassion for ourselves rather than continuing the cycle of self-blame.
One of Sharon's key strategies is reframing our relationship with discomfort: "Turn the guilt into growth... feeling discomfort usually helps bring your attention to what's important in your life." Instead of berating ourselves, she suggests asking: "What's the lesson here?" and "What would you like to nurture?"
This shift from self-punishment to self-reflection can transform how we handle setbacks and mistakes.
Sharon emphasizes an important truth about our thought patterns: "What you practice grows stronger so if you continue to be hard on yourself you're strengthening that story... that is what's happening and so it's kind of like you know which wolf are you feeding."
This neuroscience principle means that every time we engage in self-critical thinking, we're literally strengthening those neural pathways. The solution? Consciously choose to feed the more compassionate wolf.
One practical exercise Sharon suggests is creating a compassionate character – "whether it's like a cartoon character that you loved as a child or a famous person or just a real live person that you admire." This character should embody wisdom, compassion, understanding, and warmth.
When you find yourself being self-critical, ask: "What would this compassionate character say to me?" It's like asking what you'd say to a friend, but with the added benefit of having a specific, caring voice to turn to.
Sharon also recommends paying attention to the tone of your self-talk: "Try and listen for that tone and often it's a parent voice but try and just make it a softer voice as well... it's not only the words it's the way it's been said."
By consciously softening the voice we use with ourselves, we can begin to change the entire experience of our internal dialogue.
The key to resisting being hard on yourself lies in consistent practice. Sharon suggests incorporating small daily practices: "Even if it's a little bit of something it just takes one minute... of what you're grateful for or something you did that was good for you or something that you're learning."
These micro-moments of self-compassion, when practiced regularly, can create lasting change in how we relate to ourselves.
If you find that being hard on yourself is significantly impacting your daily life, relationships, or mental health, it may be time to seek professional support. Sometimes patterns of self-criticism run so deep that working with a qualified mental health professional can provide the additional tools and insights needed for healing.
For immediate support and resources, visit our comprehensive help section which includes crisis support services and professional resources across different countries.
One powerful way to break the isolation that often accompanies self-criticism is through peer support. NNC Circles are peer support groups specifically designed for creatives, providing safe, non-judgmental spaces to share experiences and support each other through challenges.
These monthly sessions create opportunities to practice self-compassion in community, learn from others who understand the creative industry's unique pressures, and develop practical skills for managing difficult emotions. Sometimes hearing that others struggle with similar patterns of self-criticism can be incredibly validating and healing.
Remember, learning to resist being hard on yourself is a practice, not a destination. Every moment offers a new opportunity to choose compassion over criticism, growth over guilt. You're not broken for struggling with self-criticism – you're human, and you're already taking the first step by seeking to understand and change these patterns.
Be patient with yourself as you develop these new habits. The same brain that learned to be self-critical can learn to be self-compassionate. It just takes time, practice, and the willingness to treat yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend.
Tarra van Amerongen is a design leader with a deep understanding of client needs and design culture, and extensive experience in business and education. She is currently the Head of Design, Jira Platform at Atlassian and has worked previously in house, in consulting and in agency. She also teaches innovation design at UTS, is a board advisor for the Australian Publishers Association and Flow of Work Co and is a Mental Health First Aider.
For the past 13 years, Sharon has worked as a Psychologist, aiming to authentically connect with people to help them feel safe and heard. She believes, if we can gain insight into why we might think, feel and behave a certain way, we can make more sense of our current lives and then, with a growth mindset of self-compassion instead of a fixed mindset of shame, we can consciously implement positive change. Sharon has a holistic approach, she is informed by Existentialism, Neuroscience, Polyvagal Theory and Attachment Science. Sharon believes if we can accept that the behaviours we developed as children were necessary for our survival and if we can understand that all the emotions we feel provide insight into our deepest values, we can live purposeful and meaningful lives. Sharon is currently working on an online program called Taking Up Space. The program empowers women who tend to default to people pleasing behaviours. The program focuses on building insight into ones behaviours, developing emotional competence (learning how to regulate and learn from all emotions we feel) as well as building courage to integrate these insights into our everyday lives so that we can live more authentically. Sharon is also a contributor to Newspaper articles (Sydney Morning Herald), Radio (ABC) and TV (Sky News, Channel 7 Sunrise), and is the Psychologist for eHarmony Australia.
Rebecca Jones-Bateman (Tan) cares deeply about the people behind the work — the humans who bring ideas to life but sometimes forget to look after themselves in the process. As Head of Community and Growth at Never Not Creative, she’s on a mission to make the creative industry kinder, safer and more sustainable for everyone in it. Rebecca’s not just about big ideas, though. She rolls up her sleeves to build spaces where real, honest conversations can happen — like Circles, a peer support group where creatives get to leave their egos at the door and share what’s on their mind, no judgment, no competition. Her background in brand and marketing means she knows how to get a message out there, but it’s her empathy, steady calm and belief in community that really make the difference. When she’s not championing better mental health for creatives, you’ll probably find her wandering through Europe with a backpack or guiding a yoga class somewhere sunny — living proof that work and wellbeing don’t have to be sworn enemies.
